Most people have heard about Stephen Sutton by now. His infectious zest for achieving things in life, despite his terminal cancer diagnosis and recent passing, has helped to raise over £4million for the Teenage Cancer Trust.
If you’ve not seen his speech already, have a watch. It might just be the fifteen minutes that save your life.
It’s been a week or so since I rediscovered some sunshine, but I’ve noticed some old feelings, possibly habits, creeping back.
The extra thinking space in my head has led me to realise that I’m not really happy with what I’m doing in my life and I’ve started to feel anxious again.
Rather than being out in the sunshine, I feel as if I’m in a polytunnel, so I can see and feel the sun, but need to choose which short dark tunnel ahead of me to go through, to truly be free.
I’d started my work project 6 years ago. It’s not been successful money-wise (so far), but it gave me focus and despite some major hiccups along the way, has undoubtedly helped me by giving me hope for the future and something to pour all of my effort into.
Now, I’ve launched my service, so technically anything from now on is a bonus as far as I’m concerned. It’s served its initial purpose, but now I can have fun trying to see if I can make a go of it and to push my boundaries, technically with nothing (major) to lose.
But I’m feeling anxious about this, mainly because I’m out of my comfort zone. I feel stupid, my confidence has gone. This is because I have very high standards and compare myself to myself, which is never going to be any good. I had confidence in the past, but that confidence came from seeing mediocre work and realising I could do better. Being home alone for too long has taken that away from me.
Not only that, I realised that I missed people. I love being around people. As much as I like spending time alone, I bounce off others and love to help people. In fact, motivating and helping others motivates me. And this is when I realised that in the past, I’d always helped people, wanted to help, in fact loved to help.
So here’s my dilemma. I realised that I have no passionate interest in the service that I’m offering at the moment. However, I’d like to see what I can do and learn and if anything, see what I can achieve seeing as I’ve poured my heart and soul into it for 6 years.
On the other hand, I do have a passion about helping others. Whether animals or people. I’d like to advise, talk to people, teach people (not as a teacher though). I have an outline of something that I’d love to do, but it’ll take a lot of hard work. I’ve already had feedback from doing something similar and people have been overwhelmingly impressed, inspired and surprised, which in turn boosted my confidence.
So which polytunnel path to take? Or can I do half and half and see what works? Either way, the inability to decide is causing anxiety at the moment. I feel stuck.
It’s definitely been a strange few weeks.
As I previously said, I’ve had panic attacks, felt the fear and done it anyway, tried to be grateful for things each day… And you know what… Something magical HAS happened.
For the first time ever, I feel like I’ve come out of my long dark tunnel, into the sunshine. I’m not sure when or what did it, but I went in almost 6 years ago after being under a dark leaking stormy rain cloud for the previous 29 years.
Let me say that again. For the first time ever, in my life, This week, I’ve stepped out into some sunshine!
Writing this blog has definitely helped me. It’s channeled positive things together, given me motivation, inspiration and helped me run to the end of that dark place I never thought I’d get out if.
That’s not to say that everything is rosy. There are dark clouds that come across occasionally, but I’m in a different place. My head feels freer. In fact I feel lost, but in a different way. I feel like I now have room in my head to find out who I am properly… It’s only taken 35 years to get here, but at least I have.
I can only describe it as being like the ending of a series of a tv programme. The chapter has been closed. Rounded off. And it’s time for series 2. Bigger and better with no bitterness, upset, depression, anxiety… I want to feel confident, to achieve goals, to feel the fear and do it anyway without having a major panic attack first.
I know it won’t be easy, that the clouds will come and go, and yes, I will get rained on, but as long as I’m out in the rain and not in the tunnel, then I have every chance of singing and dancing in that rain, rather than feeling as if I’m drowning.
The sun is shining. That’s always a good start, right? 🙂
I’ve been grateful for the hot water that helped me to relax in the bath
For my lovely cats who have sat on me and given me their love.
And to my friend, whose little, simple email made me smile after a stressful, bad-tempered day.
It’s been a couple of weeks since I last posted anything. In that time I’ve been on an emotional roller-coaster, almost fell off along the way, but ultimately have managed to get over my biggest hurdle so far. I’ve felt the fear and done it anyway! It’s not the end of this journey, just the beginning, so there’ll be more ups and downs, I’m sure. Future posts will elaborate on this.
I’ve also picked up a few more tools in this time, and after seeing it in a couple of places, I’m going to undertake a #100happydays project to be grateful for things that are in my life now. Most of us don’t appreciate the good things right now, myself included, so this is meant to improve happiness, rather than thinking about what we don’t have, or what we want in future.
So here goes…
I’ve got to be honest, I’ve not been feeling too positive for the past couple of weeks. Some days I feel ok, others I feel like sleeping, some I feel frustrated. My motivation and “raaaar” energy seems to have left me and I’m not sure why. Well, I am about to stride far outside of my comfort zone for a project and taking that leap of faith is draining, so maybe it’s that. I should be excited but actually I’m scared petrified of failing, which is stupid, because I know that if I don’t try, I will fail and will never succeed.
So to try to get some positivity back, I’m going to play my songs for tough times, read the positive list of things to do to try to give me back some confidence, and find some motivational quotes (which I’ll post below as I find them today). I’ll let you know if it works…
“You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.”
― Wayne Gretzky
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
― Nelson Mandela
“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”
― Nelson Mandela
“Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.”
― Nelson Mandela
“The brave may not live forever – But the cautious do not live at all”
― Richard Branson, Like a Virgin: Secrets They Won’t Teach You at Business School
“If somebody offers you an amazing opportunity but you are not sure you can do it, say yes – then learn how to do it later!”
― Richard Branson
“Courage is exhilarating.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face….You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt
If only parents could see what their words and actions could do, mentally, to a child. Even something so small and insignificant to the parent, can have such a large impact on a child’s mind. I should know. I’ve been that child.
You could say that for 20+ years, I’d suffered from what’s now known as ‘psychological abuse’. It seems to be in the news a lot lately, with the Cinderella Law being proposed, as well as campaigns highlighting the problems of partners psychologically abusing their other-halves by stopping them from doing things, being controlling or criticising, etc.
The problem with emotional or psychological abuse, is that no-one can really see it from the outside. There aren’t any bruises, scratches, scars, burn marks. When you’re young, you get classed as being a problem child, naughty, quiet, shy, contrary…and so on. The abuser is all smiles and happiness to the outside world, but inside the family home, can be a condescending, controlling, criticising monster. No one sees the inner turmoil, torture and scars that occur and that can affect everything you do in life from that point onwards.
But when you’re young, who reports the abusers? What happens if they’re reported? How can it be proven? Is it better to break up a family, put that person in jail, give them a warning or prosecute them? Or should they be made to see the error of their ways?
Then there are the bystanders (for example, members of my own family) that sit there and watch it happen, yet never step in. I asked one member of my family why they did nothing, and their answers ranged from “you shouldn’t argue with your elders” to “what was the point of me saying anything, she wouldn’t have listened anyway”.
Should those people who stand by and watch, even though they know that the person is destroying a life, be prosecuted too?
In my family, the problems were mainly caused by alcohol (a 750ml bottle of whisky a day, minimum) so maybe rather than prosecution, the offender should receive counselling or treatment, to make them see exactly what they are doing? Emotional abuse is not the child’s fault, but prosecution doesn’t help the perpetrator discover what they’re doing wrong and teach them how to fix it. Usually it’s due to some issues that they have with their own past or childhood (again this was true in my circumstance).
In my opinion, breaking up families or causing animosity between family members will never achieve anything, apart from making the situation worse. Instead, treatment, enlightenment and counselling should be the way forward. Solutions not sanctions for the Cinderella Law.
I’ve created many playlists over the years, but I always find myself going back to the same ones when I need a boost or times get tough.
Music has played a massive part in my recovery and it still helps me now when I fall back in to a hole and need a friendly helping hand out. I’d recommend this to everyone, not just those that suffer with mental health issues. Music can be powerful, and with the right song and the right frame of mind, it can make you unstoppable.
It doesn’t matter how low I’ve gotten over the years, I’ve always found that the words to songs (no matter how cheesy) somehow made me feel a bit better. Now, I’m not saying that any of these songs are cool, but I’m not listening out for the artist or tune. It’s all about the lyrics, what they mean for me and how they make me feel. Hopefully they’ll help to plant a seed in anyone feeling a bit low, and edge them closer to getting out of their hole too. They’re not a quick fix or a cure, but they’re definitely part of that army of tools which might just make a small difference.
Who can argue with this powerful song? The video to this is brilliant and powerful. Yes, the lead is female and it’s a cartoon, but I’ve yet to find a girl or guy that hasn’t been moved or pumped up by the end of it.
It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me,
I’m free!
Idina Menzel – Let It Go Lyrics | MetroLyrics
If you fancy something a little more light-hearted, then these two are always guaranteed to bring a smile.
One of my favourite songs. Has gotten me out of many a dark tunnel.
All I was searchin’ for was me.
Ooh ooh all I was searchin’ for was me.
Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
No, no, no, no.
Keep your mind set, keep your hair long.
Oh my my darlin’ keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
No, no, no, no.
Keep your mind set in your ways, keep your heart strong.
Ben Howard – Keep Your Head Up Lyrics | MetroLyrics
One for inspiration. Get a piece of paper and a pen ready.
If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it’s never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
‘Cause you can’t rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
‘Cause the hands of time are never on your side
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?
Nickelback – If Today Was Your Last Day Lyrics | MetroLyrics
This song resonates with me on so many levels. It’s actually part of a powerful technique that I’ve learnt over the years. Be prepared to think, cry, smile and write down a lot of things during this one.
Wish I knew back then,
What I know now,
Wish I could somehow,
Go back in time and maybe listen to my own advice,
I’d tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out,
Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder,
Tell her she’s beautiful, wonderful,
Everything she doesn’t see,
You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out,
And know that right here, right now,
You can be beautiful, wonderful,
Anything you wanna be
Little Mix – Little Me Lyrics | MetroLyrics
I was driving home from work the first time I heard this song. By the time I’d got home, I was just that little bit further out of my dark pit. A very powerful song.
Follow through
Make your dreams come true
Don’t give up the fight
You will be alright
‘Cause there’s no one
Like you in the universe
Don’t be afraid
What your mind consumes
You should make a stand
Stand up for what you believe
And tonight we can truly say
Together we’re invincible
Muse – Invincible Lyrics | MetroLyrics
Never fails to make me feel a bit more upbeat. I WILL be OK.
When everything is going wrong
And things are just a little strange
It’s been so long now
You’ve forgotten how to smile
And overhead, the skies are clear
But it still seems to rain on you
And your only friends
All have better things to do
A special mention for this last one. One from the 80s (not really in the cool league), but one with lyrics about loving the greatest person there is – yourself. You’ll probably think, “What the hell is this?”, but trust me, bear with it until the end.
Everybody’s searching for a hero,
people need someone to look up to.
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs,
a lonely place to be – and so I learned to depend on me.
I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadow
if I fail, if I succeed, at least I lived as I believe
no matter what they say to me, they can’t take away my dignity
Houston – The Greatest Love Of All Lyrics | MetroLyrics
My full ‘Keep Going’ playlist can be found on Spotify (you’ll need to get it if you don’t have an account – it’s free). I frequently add to my playlists as I discover new songs. If you’ve got any suggestions, please feel free to comment and I’ll add them on if I feel that they’re appropriate.
I hope that at least one of these strikes a chord and helps to bring the light at the end of the tunnel a touch closer.
The word “bossy” has been bandied around in the news recently and it seems to split opinion. One side want it banned, with “leadership skills” being used instead, while the other think that it’s an over-reaction to a perfectly normal word.
For me, I’m split on this. Yes, it’s a perfectly normal word, but it usually comes with negative connotations and is generally only used for females. Whether these females are dictatorial or just great at being an organiser or a leader, it fails to distinguish which it is. Probably the former but usually the latter is included too, therefore undermining these brilliant, strong women. Would men be called bossy? No, they’d be called strong, good leaders or organised. So why should it be any different for women? Maybe women try too hard and come across as more aggressive? Who knows?
From my own personal experience, it’s not a nice word and can be quite demoralising if said to you when you’re young. I was called “little miss bossy” and “bossy boots” and in the end, I just stopped talking. I perceived it to be a bad thing to try and organise everyone and everything (and I guess when you’re younger, your parents should be the ones organising), so rather than seeing it as a strong leadership skill, I saw it as a negative thing, which always led to arguments and destroyed a fair chunk of my self confidence.
As my family didn’t have these strong leaderships skills (and I did), I’d usually be the one recommending things, saying what we should be doing / not doing, and I’m sure that this probably annoyed older generations of my family. Afterall, I was just some kid trying to tell them what to do. But that bossy kid did things that no one else in the family dared to / would / should / have done and only when someone else (usually tabloid newspapers or the TV) told them that they should do this or that, that they actually turned to each other and said “Oh she was right, we should have listened”. But repeatedly they never did.
Trying to suppress your natural leadership is quite a hard thing for a person to do and just led to me feeling as if I wasn’t valued. I wrote this passage in my diary (as suggested by my counsellor at the time):
“I’m bossy, I know that. It seems to come naturally to me. I like to organise and advise people about things I feel passionate about. I feel that I’m a bad person for trying to impose my opinion or knowledge onto others if they do not know about things. I feel like I want to educate them, help, advise, make them see that they can improve themselves, but they just see me as bossing them around. “You boss us about, you boss your mum about, you tell us what to do”. I feel like I have to do this because they are like my children and someone has to look out for them, care about them and try to educate them. I don’t want them to be hurt by things that I know that I can stop. They’re not educated and have no interest in being educated about things.
I want to be seen as organised, educated and caring, not bossy. Why can’t they see that I have their best interests at heart? I’m called a freak because women shouldn’t be leading anyone or organising anything. That’s a job for men. Anything I’m passionate about is seen as going too far.”
So before calling anyone bossy, especially when they’re young, think hard about what that could do to their self confidence and belief. Choose a more positive word, congratulate them on having strong organisational and leadership skills. I’m sure that most people wouldn’t use it if they knew the harm that it could cause. The people that don’t see it as a problem haven’t witnessed the mental issues and destroyed confidence that it can lead to. If they did, they’d be looking to use more positive, encouraging words, rather than belittling the potential problems that the word causes to half of the world’s population.
Mission: Happy Me 